Why We Lie: The Subconscious Motives Behind Dishonesty

Let’s begin with a confession

“I’m fine” (You’re absolutely not.)

“I did not mean it like that” (You did, kind of)

“I didn’t see your message.” (You did.)

Lies. We all tell them, small ones, big ones, harmless ones and occasionally, the ones that unravel relationships. The truth is, lying is not rare, it's a ritual. It is stitched into our dial interactions like thread in fabric. And no, this does not mean we are all secret sociopaths. It means we are humans. Complicated, contradictory and sometimes terrified of the truth. 

But here is the real question:

Why do we lie?

Lies are basically love letters to who we wish we were. Every lie has a motive. And often, that motive is self-preservation. Most lies are not about deception for manipulation’s sake, they are about preservation. Deep down, many of us just want to maintain a certain image of ourselves, both to others and to ourselves. We lie to protect that identity. 

If you act selfishly, you might lie about your motives, not to deceive others, but because your brain is trying to defend your internal narrative. The lie isn’t just external, it’s internal. 

Here is a fun fact: your brain lies before you do. 

The amygdala, our quite ancient fear centre, gets triggered when we anticipate punishment, shame or rejection. Lying becomes a reflex, not a strategy. Like flinching from something hot, we flinch from the truth when it threatens us. That is why children lie before they even fully understand what is right or wrong. It is not a moral failure. It is survival.

Adults are just better at disguising it. 

Some lies are just…social magic tricks. We call them white lies, but let’s be honest, they are actually emotional duct tape. They keep relationships from fraying, conversations from exploding and egos from bruising. 

“You have not aged a day.”

“I love your cooking”

“Of course I remembered your birthday”

This is actually known as prosocial lying, a little deceit to preserve the peace. Is it honest? No. Is it human? Absolutely. 

Sometimes the truth wounds unnecessarily. Sometimes a gentle lie is the better kindness. 

Here’s the one no one talks about: we lie to outrun shame.

Not guilt, shame. The heavy, soul-splitting belief that there’s something fundamentally wrong with us.

When the truth threatens to expose our flaws, our failures, our secret fears of being “not enough”, the lie rushes in, not as a betrayal, but as a shield.

The woman who hides her depression.The man who exaggerates his success.The teen who says, “I don’t care,” when they’re falling apart.

These lies aren’t manipulation. They’re pain management.

And then there is compulsive lying, when dishonesty becomes not just an escape, but a habit. A worldview. This is not about convenience or cruelty. It is often a symptom of deep emotional wounds. For some, lying creates a fantasy world where they have control, affection and value. The things real life has denied them. 

It is not about fooling you.

It is about soothing themselves. 

So, why do we lie?

To belong.

To be loved.

To avoid pain.

To protect the fragile scaffolding of who we think we are.

The truth, ironically, is that lies are rarely about deception—they’re about defense. A way of navigating the complex, terrifying task of being seen.

So the next time you catch yourself lying (or someone lying to you), try this:Don’t ask, “Why did they lie?”Ask, “What truth felt too heavy to hold?”

That’s where the real story begins.